My Blog http://ministryofzombies.com//page4.php Zombies in OK-Yaah Country? London Halloween Event! 10/21/2013 3:30:16 PM The idea of a zombie Pippa Middleton fills me with both horror and excitement. Well, mostly horror. The excitement is my own problem & I’m working my way through it.

However, imagine a zombie shelter on the Kings Road in London? I know, locked in a bunker with a load of hurray-henries & girls called Tamara or India…

Well, it’s happening people & it looks like a pretty brilliant event.  Here’s the spin - Take Cover in PUPP’s Zombie Shelter. Claim sanctuary and party with Pop Up Ping Pong (@PingPopPong) as London braces for impending invasion of the undead.

This is what dragged me in. You can dance & drink the night away then, as Halloween approaches; face a full-blown invasion. 

“Among their emergency supplies, they have called on friends #BRGR to supply enough food for 400 hungry dwellers. Cronuts, sliders and crack pie will be on offer before it’s time to hit the tinned rations. Drinks will of course be necessary to ease the worry and as the apocalypse looms, PUPP have pledged to keep prices low, with beer starting at £3 a bottle, and mixers from £4.50.”

That’s pretty good for a Halloween event. And no, I don’t have shares in the event or anything, just thought it looked pretty cool.

I called up & they are playing their cards close to their chest. I don’t know what the surprises will be but it looks like a coolio event. I’m assured there is actually ping pong there. Plus the venue will be attacked by the undead…..it’s worth it just for the ping-pong.. 
 
Where: 232 King’s Road, Chelsea, London SW3 5UD

When: Saturday 26th October, 18:30-01:00
 
How:  £10 Tickets available

http://www.designmynight.com/london/bars/232-kings-road-chelsea/pop-up-ping-pong-halloween-special


2 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=34
The Last Man Blog – How long would you survive? 2/18/2013 8:04:06 PM It’s been the subject of a million pub conversations. Virtually every zombie survivalist and prepper has considered it.
Why not just barricade yourself somewhere safe & see out the apocalypse in style?
It sounds tempting. Find a safe place and cut yourself off from the zombies, the virus, and the world. But, how would any of us respond to such a challenge. Few of us go an hour without a conversation, text or email crossing our paths.
Well, this May, I will be cutting myself off from the world for 5 days of solitary confinement in an ex-cold war bunker here in the UK. I will have no human contact for the entire period and live off the rations I bring with me. I will be alone in a giant concrete bunker, below ground at all times.
The scenario is simple. I will be the last survivor of an apocalypse. I believe it was a zombie apocalypse. It could have been something else – a plague, meteor, whatever…

 I am secure in a huge underground bunker. Four floors of empty and abandoned Cold War corridors to wander and explore…  
This is going to happen by me in May. This will be my mini-apocalypse. I will cut off, alone and with no idea what’s going on outside.
How will I get by? Books, wandering, imagining stuff, getting scared by shadows, cracking up – I just don’t know. I’ve never done anything like this before, few of us have.
Thinking it through I can’t work out whether it will end up like ‘I am Legend’ with me barricading myself in a small room for sleeping periods or if it will be a great chance to be alone for a week for the first time in my life.
I hope this small experiment will provide some insight into the question above and provide some insight into what it’s like to be a lone survivor…
Details to follow and I will be sending one blog update per day so you can track the state of my sanity as we go along…




31 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=33
Mark Scioneaux – Another Writer with a Zombie Series....? 10/30/2012 8:38:52 PM Do we really need another zombie novel part 1? I sometimes wonder & on most author websites, it’s easy to find out who doesn’t have a 3-book zombie story...
Still, writer person Mark Scioneaux has embarked on such a challenge & with more blurbs than I have ever seen, has launched Hollow Shell: A Zombie Epic - Part One.
A bit about Mark, he is a black belt in karate & left the Rangers because they weren’t tough enough. He didn’t write I am Legend & wasn’t in the film. His hobbies include musical theatre & hard-core gun shows.
Anyway, back to the book. To be honest, sometimes blurb just puts me off. You get the same authors saying clever quips about virtually every book.
I prefer the real person comments. Here’s a few of them:-
“This zombie tale was a really fun, exciting, and emotional adventure. Mr. Scioneaux knows his zombie fiction. But more than that, he knows how to put the reader on the edge of their seat and give depth and emotion to the scenes. I cannot wait for the next instalment! Zombie fans will love it!” – that’s from one Amazon fan...
“Anyone who has ever survived or endured a difficult, life-changing event will be able to relate to "Hollow Shell," which makes its power over the reader much more poignant. This is a story of real horror, even if there are imaginary monsters. "Hollow Shell" promises a dramatic, action-packed story that will leave you wanting more” – good, good, me likey, likey.
Here at the Ministry of Zombies, we like real people feedback.
We got a sample from Hollow Shell: Part 1 here:-
“What have I done?” Chris said as he slid down the living room wall.
A faint trail of gray smoke rose from the gun, slowly dissipating into the atmosphere and stinging his running nose. His hands shook uncontrollably, so bad the gun almost fell from his limp grasp.
“Why, God? Jesus…Why?” he gasped, the tears starting to roll down his stubbly face.
With each passing moment, panic at the realization of what he had just done started to settle in. It was a sickening feeling developing deep in the pit of his stomach. He felt a wave of nausea wash over him. He closed his eyes, drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
Why am I calling out to God? he thought, as the idea of asking an all-mighty and benevolent creator for help had proved to be a waste of time. God didn’t seem to be present at the moment he put a bullet right between the eyes of his loving parents and once beautiful sister. Those same eyes that gazed down on him the day he was born. Eyes at one time filled with unconditional love, now glazed over in a pale aqua-blue glow. The look they once bore replaced with an insatiable hunger. Chris couldn’t let them live like that. His sister, so beautiful and caring; so young and full of dreams, had been turned into a deformed creature. There was nothing left of who she once was. The same sister Chris beat up a playground bully for. The same sister whose ice cream cone hit the floor and Chris readily gave her his. The thought of her pain made him tear up and the urge to scream rushed up through his throat like vomit.
She had come toward him with the same look as his parents, those hungry, lifeless eyes. His hand made steady by a surge of adrenalin gave him a brief moment of clarity and precision, though his vision had become blurry with tears. The sound of her moaning and shuffling feet became louder as she moved closer. He aimed, closing his eyes as he pulled the trigger, feeling the hammer kick back and the gun jolt in his hand. The abrupt discharge was followed by a soft thud. He opened his eyes and in that moment came to the sick realization that he was an only child and an orphan. All done by his own hands.
One more bullet left in the chamber, he thought to himself, and that one is going to be for me.
The searing heat of the gun singed the inside of his mouth, but he didn’t care. One squeeze and everything would be all right. Just a loud noise, maybe a little pain and his troubles would cease to exist. Or maybe there wouldn’t be any pain at all. It would be a coward’s way out, but given the current events and his decaying mentality, it felt like the right thing to do. He closed his eyes tight as his finger slowly depressed the trigger. Just a little more, he thought. Just do it!
What do ya reckon?
Well, it’s on our list. We’ll get the review up as soon as it’s done. And, you know what, we do need more zombie series – what else I’m going to do with my bloody time!

If you buy it & it turns about to be the next big series, don’t forget we noticed it first!

Link to Amazon UK : Shell: A Zombie Epic - Part One
Link to Amazon US : Shell: A Zombie Epic - Part One


28 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=32
Pat Douglas – A Dark Man on a Mission? 10/7/2012 8:32:52 PM Pat is one those irritating people who are good at lots of things. See this resume we lifted from the inter-web.

“P. A. Douglas is the author of several survival horror novels, novellas, and short stories including Watchers, Rancid, and Horror Stories and Terrifying Tales. His work has been praised by several well-known authors and has appeared in Fangoria Magazine. He is also a nationally touring singer-songwriter, under the name: The Cries Of. With more than a dozen music related releases and countless national tours, he has recently decided to give away all of his music for free as digital downloads. Douglas lives in South East Texas.”

He also goes out with Argentine underwear model Sabrina Lopez who has appeared in Vogue & has a small role in the upcoming Resident Evil movie.

Hate him already?

OK – we lied about the supermodel but the rest is true. Plus, his new novella may well have scared the crap out of our Ministry of Zombies review team.

Here’s the link & a piccie but read the mental interview first to confirm that he does indeed deserve your pennies. 

The Dark Man




The human mind holds within its infinite reaches many of the greatest mysteries in the universe. Some are vast and wondrous, while others are chilling and nightmarish. Some mysteries are better left hidden in the dark corners of our minds, never breaking free of our subconscious...
 

We pinned him to the floor & asked him the questions we all want to know the answers to....
Right, tell us a bit about you?
I recently came off of a 5 year stent of constant national touring as a solo-singer, song-writer. I have a few records out and was on a few small indie labels. Tour was fun, but all things must come to an end. With tour over and done with, I have taken a break from music and have started expressing myself in another fashion. That is where the entire author thing comes into play.
(Yes, Yes, we see. You like music. Respect given from us.)

And your new project Dark Man, sounds vaguely like a Liam Neeson or Freddy Kruger film I once saw…can you describe it to us without using the words ‘twisted’ or ‘high school students’?
Sure, I can do that. I would say the Dark Man is all of us. We are all carnal and have a dark side regardless if it ever shows. The novella is a small insight into something real that is hidden behind the veal.
(This is correct. We have studied the novella & this answer is valid.)
Why did the British swim team underperform in the recent Olympics?
Because they aren’t great like us Americans. That is all.
(This is not correct as the US also under-performed. We expected you to mention under-investment on the local swimming circuit.)
Splatterpunk? Grindhouse? Steampunk? What the hell do all these terms mean? Help us out?
Just sub-genres. Honestly I am pretty new to them myself. As a musician it just kind of happens. You got pop-punk, or grunge punk. Metal. Death Metal. Black Metal. Speed Metal. It all just comes down to preference. I have found that splatterpunk and grindhouse in the writing world just suggests more gore and death and less back story. I could be wrong. LOL
(Wise words we think. That does help.)

What is your favorite book and why?
Pretty much anything by R. L. Stine.
(Close. We agreed that your favorite book is Of Mice and Men.)

Which Pat Douglas story really sums you up?
Epidemic of the Undead. But then again, all of my stories tie me into them. What I mean by that is this: I was on tour when I wrote that one. So, the characters are on tour. In Hitchers I had just left tour, to the main character in that one misses the road. I just got a job as a welder, so I am writing one called Death Weld.
(Correct. This is a superb book in a busy genre. Please use the money from your music to make it into a film for next summer. Hire a big actor as well. Excellent volume.)

Your artwork kicks ass – tell us about it?
Thanks. I assume you are talking about the cover. Well, I love all of the stuff that Alan M. Clark does. He is so sick as an artist. My favorite publisher uses him for everything, so it was almost a nostalgic thing to have him do mine. He is currently working on the cover art for the book I am writing right now called, Killer Koala Bears from Another Dimension. 

(Nice. Koala bears are cute & therefore deserve the horror treatment. Good show Pat.)
In cricket, when does the batsman score a ‘six’?
Never. You have to be watching it for that to happen.

(Mmm. An issue here I think. Please watched Indian cricket on satellite TV then re-answer this question.)
Which of your stories would work best as a movie & who would you want starring in it?
Epidemic of the Undead. Main character would be that chubby guy from the movie Superbad.

(You mean Jonah Hill. Yes that would work. We have contacted him & you now owe him several million in upfront pay.)
Have you ever been to London? (If not, why not?) No… I have been on a label that had bands from there and we brought them to the states and I did some touring with them. Pretty cool dudes.

“There are too many crappy free eBooks about these days.” Do you agree?
YES!!!! As a cover designer I think the thing that bugs me more than all of the free books, it’s the awesome covers that come with them. Some of the covers I see out there for those free books are just awful.

(Agreed. There is too much shit out there. Sometimes it is easier to track who isn’t doing a zombie trilogy.)
What projects are next on the agenda for you? Give us a hint?
Killer Koala Bears from Another Dimension. That tells it all.
(Good, good. These are the droids we’re looking for.)
What free stuff can you send us we can use for prizes here at the Ministry? Everyone loves free stuff & prizes? i
http://indie-inside.com/media All of my music is free. That’s more than 50 songs! Since I am no longer touring, I figured I would let the public have at it.
(Nice one Pat.)

 



13 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=31
Will You Be A Survivor? – A UK “Real Life” Zombie Experience in Essex 9/11/2012 4:48:19 PM Bloggers get approached all the time to flog stuff. As a reader, you gotta be careful – you don’t want people recommending crap then you ending up all disappointed.
At the Ministry of Zombies, I reckon we get 4 or 5 offers a week to endorse stuff. Some of it brilliant, some of it pants. We don’t bother with the pants stuff… (note to suppliers - everyone has a price – for sacks of gold we’d sell any old tat. The Last Survivor experience does NOT fall into this shady category.)
Anyway, an invitation to Essex to look at the new “Last Survivors Experience” was something we couldn’t resist…not when you see what it promises…a realistic 28 Days Later experience, dashing around an abandoned nuclear bunker, soldiers with guns – you had us at 28 Days Later.
Before we get carried away, this is a “real-life” zombie experience. This is your chance to be involved in an outbreak scenario, to feel something of the tension, the excitement and the fear. My advice to just go along with it, the actors are hardcore and brilliant at making the whole experience as close as we can get to the real thing…
I’m not going to include any spoilers in this review but from the moment you arrive, the shit hits the fan. Be ready for some chaos as the team try to keep you alive.
This is a brilliant experience for any zombie fan – don’t think twice about booking it – hey, they’re not paying me to say it, I just think this is a first-class experience. In summary, it rocked.
So, it’s in Essex & here are the links. Book it now & enjoy it.
www.thelastsurvivors.co.uk
 


34 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=30
Ministry of Zombies Interview – Ty Schwamberger 5/28/2012 11:48:41 AM In this blog entry, the Ministry of Zombies fires some hard-nosed questions at an established horror editor and writer.
If you are interested in how this villain creates his webs of horror, then read on.
And then, save the cash you were going to spend on crappy books like The Hunger Games and spend them on some hard-hitting independent and fresh horror.
Ministry of Zombies Interview – Ty Schwamberger
[Warning – MoZ questions tend to be a bit strange so just go with it.]
We hear a knock on the MoZ bunker door. We don’t answer – it’s tea time. The knock grows louder. It is eventually answered. It’s a horror author and friend of the Ministry peddling his wares so we sit him down, with a cuppa tea & a bright light shining in his face.
Here are the questions we fire at them?

Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?
 
Shit! A better question yet is who the hell are you and what did you do with my dog? I saw him run towards your bunker door, then he was gone. Ya’ll aren’t performing some strange “experiments” on dogs down here in the dark, are you? Sonofabitch. I knew you people were freaky but…
 
My name is Ty Schwamberger. Damn glad to be here. Thank you.
 
[We like this young fellow but how did he know about the dogs? He knows too much...]
 
Can you give us a brief bio as we’re too lazy to pull one together?
 
I’m the author of a novel, several novellas, short stories, a collection, editor on several anthologies and have one short film (2010) and one feature-length film (coming Late 2012) adapted from my work.
 
[Nice, nice, this is all good stuff.]

Books you say, tell us more. What is this novella The Fields about? We demand to know.
 
THE FIELDS is a VERY atypical zombie tale. It takes place in the mid-1800s on a southern plantation right after the slaves were freed. There are two main characters in the novella: Billy and Abraham. Billy is the son of a deceased former slave owner. Abraham is a messenger that brings “salvation” to Billy’s dying tobacco fields. Yes, there are zombies in the story. But, the zombies are a metaphor for something bigger. In the end, Billy must choose between what’s right and wrong or saving his father’s farm. Although, digging up and reanimating the dead slaves is nothing compared to what’s in store for Billy after these slaves are undead, again.
 
THE FIELDS is also coming very soon in audio book format.
 
Are you a sprouts person?

What did you just call me? Call me sprout one more time and I’ll put this here stick in your eye!
 
Which book has influenced you most?

This is a toughie. I don’t think there’s one single work that’s done it for me. However, I can tell you the first two “horror” books I read right before starting to write in early 2008: Offspring by Jack Ketchum and Cuts by Richard Laymon. Anyone who has read my work (outside of The Fields) will note a strong resemblance to Laymon’s style. This isn’t by design, mind you. It’s just always come out like that.
 
[The correct answer was I am Legend so only half a point for you on this.]
 
What is HWA? It sounds like something to do with witchcraft? They still burn people for that you know.
 
HWA stands for Horror Writers Association. And yes, it’s a professional writer’s organization for folks that dabble in witchcraft (normally, we get together and have a grand ol’ time sacrificing small animals, putting spells on non-members, smearing blood on each other while performing sacred rituals, all while worshiping our dark lord)! No, that’s not it. Ok, it’s really a group of like-minded people that put on this thing called the Bram Stoker Awards, where it’s just an excuse to drink and raise kane. Doh. That’s not it either. Well, shit…guess I don’t know what exactly it is. Though, I can say I’ve been an active member since mid-2011.
 
Do you think I’m going to hell because I’m involved with a group like this? Eeek!
 
[That kind of talk could get you burnt in England but don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone. We can’t find the witch-finder general anyway.]

Balloon or airship? Do you have access to this kind of transport? (This is a key question we ask everyone)

Why would you need to ask this if I just told you I’m an active member in the HWA? That automatically means I’m rich! So of course the answer is that I have an airship.

We hear talk on the Ministry grapevine of movies? Are they making a movie of one of your stories and are there any roles for a hapless British sidekick?
 
“Cake Batter” which is a short story contained in my collection For After Midnight (Naked Snake Press, 2011) was adapted into a short film and released on DVD in early 2010 (you can actually now watch it for free on my YouTube page (http://youtu.be/PgrPCOjMjPo). Also, my still-unreleased novella “House Call” is being adapted by Little Oak Film Group and being made into a feature-length film. Filming starts this July and hopefully the finished DVD will be released late 2012.
 
I actually think my forthcoming novella DININ’ coming this July (in Hardcover, Trade Paperback & eBook) from Bad Moon Books in would make a classic horror film, but the story hasn’t been optioned yet. So any of you out there that make movies give me a shout!

Three words to describe your portfolio of books (no using the word twisted).

Offensive. Descriptive. Thought provoking. (Does that still count as three words?)
 
[We have consulted the 1911 rulebook and your answers are valid.]

 Which short story should we track down & then say ‘that is soooo you?’

“Liquid Courage” which first appeared in Shroud Magazine (#9) and then reprinted in my collection For After Midnight in 2011.
 
[Right we are going to check this. If it does not represent your style we may consider legal action.]

 What do you think is the biggest mistake horror writers make?

This isn’t quite a direct answer to your question, but John Everson said it best in his article “Why Do You Wanna Write Horror?” for my now-retired column on Hellnotes “Ty-ing Up the Genre”. You can check it out here: http://hellnotes.com/ty-ing-up-the-genre-why-do-you-wanna-write-horror
 
“There are far too many shite e-books around.” Discuss.
 
I think it’s an unfortunate reality given the current state of the business. I’m not talking about quality publishers and authors that put out great stuff. No. I’m referring to “writers” (and I use that term loosely) who think they can call themselves authors by uploading a piece of shit to Kindle, Nook or Smashwords. The stories aren’t edited well, the covers are cheap looking and the writing is generally of low quality. Some folks have predicted this trend will hurt the publishing world. I suppose time will tell.
 
[You speak wisely young Jedi.]

Writers are generally quite full of themselves – why is this?
 
I think it’s because of what we do. We sit, often alone, for hours on end with nothing around us but a computer and thoughts full of sick shit. The life of a writer is a lonely one. Sure we have friends in the industry and everything looks glamorous from the outside. It’s anything but. It’s damn hard work to craft a kickass story. Most of the time that takes isolation. Then after the story is written and out there for fans to enjoy, we have a feeling of accomplishment and gratification. We want to run outside naked and scream to the world “read my story, it’s the best thing EVER!” In fact, sometimes we do. Then there are other times after the book is released, we’re scared of what others will think of our tome. We secretly cower in a dark room with nothing on but our laptops and Google ourselves. “Who’s saying what now?” we ask no one but the darkness around us. Then, when a killer review is posted in a magazine or online, we run screaming from the room to tell our loved one. That usually results in a “great” and a roll of eyes. Then…
 
Ouch! Why’d you knock me in the head with that flashlight?! You dirty bastard!
 
[We are trying to get you develop Stockholm syndrome.]

Do you know something we don’t?

I do. But I’m not telling.


Twisted Tales From The Torchlight Inn – what’s this book all about? You can’t just put it out there & not tell us – that’s not fair.

Twisted Tales is a 3-novella collection between Thomas A. Erb, Dean Harrison and myself. It was released in early 2011. All the stories contained in the collection had a few common elements: town name, bar name and the characters knew each other in some fashion. It was gruesomely fun to write, that honestly, the publisher screwed up. It wasn’t edited very well and ended up hurting sales. The real shit of it? The stories contained inside the book covers are really fucking good! Look for each novella to be edited and re-released individually in the next year or so.
 
[We think this is your most famous book therefore we agree – novellas rocks as well.]

Please provide a definition of horror for us?

Read this: http://hellnotes.com/horror-%e2%80%93-check-yourself-at-the-door by yours truly. I wrote this article in late 2010.
 
[Well-played sir, best answer yet.]

Ty, if you were a drum would you be more of a snare, a tom or a bass?

What kind of stupid fucking question is that? Ok ok! I’ll answer if you stop shining that bright light in my face.
 
Snare.
 
Happy now?
 
[I ran this answer through the computer we have here. Please see an analyst. Snare drums are very dangerous people.]
 
 Learn more about horror author/editor Ty Schwamberger on his blog at http://tyschwamberger.com
 


8 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=29
Zombie Author Interviews – Grrrr – Rebecca Besser and Jim Bronyaur 4/19/2012 9:01:31 PM In this blog entry, the Ministry of Zombies fires some hard-nosed questions at two established horror writers. We probe deeply into areas such who they are, whether they like cheese & finally solve the question of which is better – balloon or airship.
If you interested in how these two villains create their webs of horror then read on. There is a Ministry of Zombies review for their latest work Crystallophobia – Fear of Glass up on Amazon. What’s most interesting about this book is that it’s the start of a rather fine series.
So, save the cash you were going to spend on crappy books like The Hunger Games and spend them on some hard-hitting independent and fresh horror.
Ministry of Zombies Interview – Rebecca Besser and Jim Bronyaur
[Warning – MoZ questions tend to be a bit strange so just go with it.]
We hear a knock on the MoZ bunker door. We don’t answer – it’s tea time. The knock grows louder. It is eventually answered. It’s two horror authors peddling their wares so we sit them down, with a cuppa & a bright light shining in their faces.
Here are the questions we fire at them?
(1)    Who the hell are you and what you doing here?
Bec: I really don’t know… But I found a book called Undead Drive-Thru with a picture of me in the back that says: Rebecca Besser. So, I guess that’s me. This guy… *points to Jim* …shot a zombie in the head and saved me after it knocked me down and I hit my head. He dragged me along with him, so here I am!
Jim: Me? Uh, me, I’m, uh, Jim. I get to lie for a living and make paid for it. I write horror novels, thriller novels, mystery novels, and I’ve even dabbled in literary fiction and paranormal romance. As far as why I’m here… here because Bec sent me an interview and said ‘Answer the questions or you die’… here in the sense of being born… whoa, that’s deep thinking… leave me alone.
[Both correct answers. Well done so far but as The Carpenters sang “we’ve only just begun…”]
(2)    Books you say, tell us more or the teddy gets it?
Bec: Rip the f**ker’s head off! *clears her throat* I mean. Jim and I – during our frantic escape from the zombies – decided we should write a book series based on fears. We’re calling it Series of Fears and have kicked it off with the first book: Crystallophobia (fear of glass). *looks around in a paranoid manner, and then whispers…* It has zombies in it! Sparkling, glass filled zombies!
Jim: Lots of books. Bec and I have our own personal projects, but together, we’re creating something really cool here with the Series of Fears. We aren’t writing about the fear, but taking the fear and making it our own. With the first book, Crystallophobia, we have a glass plant explode, sending millions of pieces of glass into the workers, killing them. There’s something in the glass that makes them come back…
[Good, good, the force is strong with these two]
(3)    Are you a cheese person?
Bec: Do you mean, do I like to pose for pictures? Do you want to take my picture? Or are we going to have a snack?
Jim: Cheese… uh, sure.
(4)    Which book has influenced you most?
Bec: Hmmm…. This zombie book with my pic in it, since I can’t remember anything else and it seems to be a part of me.
Jim: Pet Cemetery. Best horror novel EVER. The book changed my life… and the young age of eight.
[Listing your own book as your biggest influence is surely a scandalous answer]
(5)    What do you think about clichés? We think they’re as common as muck?
Bec: Muck?! I thought I smelled something nasty in here. *wrinkles her nose in disgust* If that’s what clichés smell like… I can see why you don’t like them and try to avoid them!
Jim: Cliches are just so… cliché. ;)
(6)    Balloon or airship? Do you have access to this kind of transport?
Bec: BALLOONS! They’re like longer lasting bubbles. No. L I don’t have a balloon. *pout* At least…not that I can remember. *turns to Jim* Did you see any balloons where you found me? Or an airship for that matter?
Jim: Balloons… they’re cool, and one took Dorothy home. Plus, how cool would it be to be in a balloon over a horde of zombies, just shooting them…
[The correct answer is Airship but good arguments nonetheless]
(7)    Do you believe in global warming? We’re a bit concerned?
Bec: Oh, GOD! I hope global warming isn’t real! Have you smelled those rotting corpses out there? Or the muck in here?! If it gets much hotter, we’ll all suffocate from the damn stench!
Jim: Eh, not sure what to think. I just hope I’m rotting in the ground long before anything too serious happens.
(8)    Three words to describe your portfolio of books (no using the word twisted)
Bec: Intense, savage, emotional (still guessing by what I’ve read of this book).
Jim: Real, scary, insane
(9)    Which short story should we track down & then say ‘that is soooo you?’
Bec: *opens the book she’s holding and reads the bio about her supposed self, then pulls out her cell phone that works once in a while and goes to the author’s (her) website* Hmmm…. I’m going to go with…Hall of Twelve. It’s seems rather wild and out there, and that’s how I think I used to be. *drops her phone in her lap, grips her head between her hands, and closes her eyes* I keep getting snatches of memories. *opens her eyes and looks around* I think they’re memories…
Jim: A short story of mine? Hmm… I have an end of the world story in the End of Days 4 anthology that is perhaps one of my best. I received fan mail for that one. Cool.
[I will be checking these two stories to ensure that they do indeed represent your work]
 
(10)      What do you think is the biggest mistake horror writers make?
Bec: *gasps* Horror writers make mistakes? I thought they were perfect?! I guess – if they do make mistakes – they would be the same as most writers...plot holes and random things that don’t make sense.
Jim: Focusing on scaring people rather than creating a story. Horror isn’t about the monster jumping out of the closet… we know it’s there. Horror is the moments building to finding the monster, and how the people react. To create good horror, you must mess with people’s innocence and sense of time. 
[First I hated him, now I realise if I strike Jim down he will come back far stronger than I could ever imagine]
(11)    Can you give us a brief bio as we’re too lazy to pull one together?
Bec: From the website… *picks up her phone and reads what’s on the tiny screen* …it looks like I’ve been published over 140 times in various genres and mediums. You can check it all out at http://www.rebeccabesser.com or – oh, look! a blog – http://blog.rebeccabesser.com Apparently I’m on something called Facebook under: Author/Editor Rebecca Besser and something called Twitter under: BeccaBesser

Damn! I look busy! *giggles, but quickly frowns when her cell phone loses signal* Bummer!
Jim: Jim Bronyaur lives in Pennsylvania where he sits in a corner and writes books. Several of his books are available on Amazon, along other retailers. His newest series is called the Minivan Mom Mystery Series.

www.JimBronyaur.com
www.JBWrites.info (personal/writing blog)
Twitter: @JimBronyaur
[Both correct answers]
(12)    Writers are generally quite full of themselves – why is this?
Bec: Maybe they’re empty of others? I really don’t know…
Jim: Artists…
[I’m beginning to like these two]
(13)    Do you know something we don’t?
Bec: I don’t know what I know… Do you know what I know? Could you tell me what I know, if you know? Then we’d both know!
Jim: You tell me, or don’t.
[You are both wrong. I was looking for an answer concerning oil in Wales but no one knew about it so forget I mentioned it.]
(14)    What tales are currently hatching at the farm? Give us a clue?
Bec: *leans in close and whispers in a scared, quivering, tearful voice…* Jim keeps talking about things that will scare people! He keeps talking about fears! *covers her mouth with her hand and nods solemnly, sitting up straight again*
Jim: FEARS! To give a hint of a few we’re working on… fear of technology, fear of beautiful women, fear of children… and even fear of trees. J
[A fear of trees makes perfect sense to me. I’ve always found them too creepy with all their branches and the way leaves drop off. It’s just not right.]
 
(15)    Please provide a definition of horror for us?
Bec: Horror? Horror?! F**king life is HORROR! *points at the barricaded door for emphasis* There are zombies out there trying to eat us and there’s nothing we can do about it! *breaks down in tears*
Jim: Horror is the sense of knowing what can’t be real has become real, thus taking your pretty, little life and turning it upside down.
[Good show by our guest authors. They are wise and skilful in the dark arts. Check them out on their websites and support some new horror today. Go on, just dooooo it.]


9 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=28
Bored of the Dead 3/1/2012 3:39:16 PM
There are plenty of '..of the dead.." books & films. In fact, I reckon we've almost run out of titles. To my mind, free ones still remaining for aspiring authors include - Moped of the Dead, Brunch of the Dead, Skateboard of the Dead, Dead of the Dead etc.
 
I'm not saying that all tomes with this title are naff - far from it, I'm reading Domain of the Dead at the moment & it kicks ass. However, it did get me thinking about the whole genre & whether we really are in danger of getting 'bored of the dead'.
 
The big release of the World War Z movie is sure going to ramp things up. The current tv series of the Walking Dead is keeping things toasty. The plethora of eBooks exponentially expands on a daily basis with authors boasting of '4000 downloads' a month on a free book. What does this all mean?
 
Well, for every bubble, there is a bursting. And, this one is blown up to the max. Where else do we take the genre that we haven't done already? Some of the most famous zombie authors like Eric S. Brown have branched out, in this case into the land of the BigFoot Wars. I suspect more will follow him. Many already do.
 
To be honest, I don't think the genre will ever dry up. Course it won't. We love zombies. But, I do think the volume will continue to expand, Amazon being flooded with low/mid-quality e-books. I think the quest for a good read will become harder but it may also become cheaper.
 
So bored of the dead? Not yet & I think the whole post-apoc genre will always survive. As long as we are here. Also, I think it will be much harder for good stories to get their heads above the water & wave hello.

----------------------
Artwork 'Dead Bored' by Charlotte Lisa Clark. Link:  http://www.elfwood.com/~lotte2/Dead-Bored.2979392.html


207 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=27
Five of the Best - New British Zombie Writers 11/20/2011 3:16:31 PM Here at the Ministry of Zombies, we have trawled our bookshelves to find five of the most exciting new British authors in zombie & horror fiction. Now, we say ‘newcomer’ but some of these writers have been around for while with short stories but they all had new, breakthrough books in 2010 & 2011.
 
There is so much zombie fiction around at the moment, sometimes it’s good to recognise some of the amazing home-grown talent coming out of these islands. Represented in this list, you’ll find gritty real-life novels, amazing sprawling multi-book epics & classic comedy. Something they all share is they all wowed us here at the Ministry of Zombies.
 
So, here they are. Our Five of the Best. Of course, there are some other very talented authors out there but for now, here are five of the most exciting new British horror authors. They all deserve a place in our fortified Ministry of Zombies bunker when the zombie apocalypse hits the UK!
 
John McCuaig – a first novel with this London-based Scot. It’s amazing pace, tight scripting & simple but brilliantly told story keeps the reader glued to the page. One chapter more, just one chapter more, you look up & its gone midnight. McCuaig is an old-fashioned story-teller & we loved this story.

Darren Mills –this debut novel The Unnatural Dead was raw, edgy & feels like it's happening to you. It’s sharp, well-paced & would make a brilliant zombie flick. We’re watching Mr Mills to see what he comes up with next. What is for sure, it’s going to be more classic British zombie action….

Remy Porter – his debut novel Dead Beat ripped into the Ministry of Zombies book shelf as this ex-copper & now Aussie-based horror newcomer delivered a shot in the arm to zombie world. Very well-received & much praised – a very enjoyable zombie read. He has also since published some excellent short stories.
 
Chris Wood – zombie comedies or 'zombedies' aren’t well-represented these days but Wood’s Sherlock Holmes and the Flying Zombie Death Monkeys is truly a laugh out loud book. As they say, it’s grim out there at the moment so be of good cheer with this one. There’s a series in which Wood wrecks havoc with his gags. If you liked Blackadder, you’ll love this stuff.
 
Adam Millard – this guy seems to have come from no-where with two blistering books out – Dead Cell & Dead West. His books are like reading a blockbuster action movie – there is simply not a dull page. The books themselves are really well put together with some amazing artwork. We were lucky enough to get signed copies but his work is better known in the States than here. A guy to watch for the future.
 
Wow, in the words of the late, great Sir Jimmy Saville, hows about that then?
That lot should keep anyone’s Kindle busy. We have very much enjoy their work so hats off to them all & all our other hard working British & Irish authors.

1546 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=26
Zombie Combat Training - A Call to Arms 8/31/2011 4:59:32 PM I’m not one for slagging other zombie books off but there is a lame zombie combat guide out there by an American author that I think adds little to what Mr Brooks has already outlined. As for myself, well, I detail survival and tactical guidelines but the chance to improve my actual combat skills in a live situation was just too good to ignore.

So, I signed up to RAM’s new Zombie Boot Camp – that is the chance to try out body armour, guns and tactics against real ‘zombies’….

 I realised it’s a gap in my arsenal so I’m looking forward to the training. I had one hell of a day with the SAS a few years ago which left me shell-shocked but no zombies were involved. This is my chance to improve on my recent ZombieFest score in which I was the very first person killed.

 I will do a full write up when I get back and if you want to join me please check out their website. And, no I aint on commission, I just want to some bodies to shield behind during the training.

 http://ramtraining.co.uk/zombie_training.html

 I’m there on the 15th October 2011. I am also going to ensure that the ‘zombies’ meet all of the required standards and that RAM have correctly assessed zombie capability. This is the expertise I can bring. The RAM chaps, well they are going to teach us how to survive!



3 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=25
Zombie Home Defence in Suburbia 7/24/2011 9:02:06 PM

So, you live in a built up area - like most Britons. Why spend thousands on some mad plan to escape to Scotland when you will be safer staying put when the zombies arrive.
 
Fortification is the name of the game & to help you I have researched a well-defending dwelling in North London as an example.
 
Just see what these folks have done to make their pleasant bungalow secure.
 
The bars are clear for all to see - they say 'get out of my face'  to wandering rapscallions & possibly add a 'I'm a bit mental'  in the equation. But, the owners will be laughing when the ghouls come to town.
 
The outer wall could be higher & those roof tiles look like they need some loving but apart from that - this home says 'survivor'.
 
Notice also how the bars extend to all windows & doors. They have converted their garage into a food & supplies storage area but not forgotten to ensure it's secure. The chimney is also working - smokin.
 
I am convinced that a fortified home like this will get you through the first 90 days of the chaos...so don't forget to do an assessment on your own home this summer....think about how much money you are spending on that summer holiday - £1000? £2000? £3000? - now imagine how thrilled all of the family would be if you went out & spent it all on zombie home defence. They'd be thrilled. Guarantee.

Sleep safe survivors, I'm off to B&Q.

Sean


4 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=24
The Work of Eric S Brown 4/5/2011 11:23:45 AM The Ministry of Zombies in London wishes to formally recognise the pioneering work of author and zombie expert Eric S Brown.

Best known as ‘The King of Zombies’ - a title given to him by all of those who love his stories and something he likes to be known as around the home, he has published hundreds of short stories, a gaggle of novels and his latest work, Bigfoot War is currently savaging the charts on both sides of the Atlantic.
 
The are stacks of positive reviews for Bigfoot War on Amazon so I’m going to give you my take on it rather than repeating the verbiage of others.
 
Firstly, it’s a short, sharp & crisp book. The story races along at a pace and whilst loads of people have commented on the gore, I do think it all fits into the tale as nicely as a severed head in canvas sack.
 
Secondly, we are not talking Bigfoot here we are talking a tribe of Bigfoots. Eric has taken all the history of this creature and put his own spin on things. From something of a joke in monster circles, he picks up the creature and places it at number two on the scary thing list – just after zombies of course.
 
The Bigfoot War tale is a classic survival one – so you can expect great action and some interesting characters. Eric is not afraid to kill people off so either get used to it or go and cry to your mummy. His stories, not matter how fantastic, always read like real-life – there is always just enough reality in there to make it sound not quite as mad of the book-blurb can. With this book, you get a ring-side seat as a revenge killing takes place, only to be followed by a desperate battle for survival as a small town fights a tribe of these powerful creatures.
 
Bigfoot Wars 2 is in the pipeline and there’s also a campaign to get the book made into a movie. I suggest myself and Michelle Rodriguez (from Lost and Battle Los Angeles) for the lead role. I played the tax collector in a school play and plan to use this experience on the boards to wow my co-star.
 
So, where should you start with Eric stuff? Right, you are a bad person if you haven’t read his short stories so I recommend his collection for their zombic goodness. I also have his brilliant mash up novel on the shelf waiting to go so that’s in too. Then you must read Bigfoot Wars and Eric always mentions Seasons of Rot as some of his best work.
 
Eric S Brown is already widely known within our grim little zombie community but he is poised for bigger things as a writer. I know he has recently signed to a big publisher and I’m sure he’ll be doing more in the future. For many of us, he will always be the ‘King of Zombies’ but I’ve got a feeling he is gonna shock us by coming up with new and different stuff in the future.
 
 
Recommended Eric Reading List Links
 
 
 
 


1 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=23
I've got Wood ! 3/14/2011 2:58:23 PM This is the first time I’ve dedicated a blog entry to one writer and more than that – he doesn’t just write about zombies.
 
So, I’m talking about author and good egg, Chris Wood.
 
(By the way, if you found that cunning intro title of mine funny, then read on. If not, then this may not be your cup of tea.)

The two of his titles I have read & come to love are titled
 
·         Sherlock Holmes & the Underpants of Death
·         Sherlock Holmes and the Flying Zombie Death Monkeys
 

I’m a big fan of short stories and both of these volumes are chock full of some of the funniest ones I’ve read for a longterm. (Don’t worry I’m not on commission for them – they just gave me some hours of amusement.)
 
It is said that the oldest joke in the world invovled a wife breaking wind and if you, like me, find toilet humour an endless source of amusement – then these tales may be for you.
 
Told from the perspective of the long-suffering Watson, they echo the pattern of the classic holmesian tales but with a wicked Ben Eltonesque humour thrown in. Victorian England has never been so awash with fiendish plots and scary stories as in these tales. The one involving the haunted underpants will terrify you for months after reading.
 
However, I have to say, the craft of the writing is actually very good – Wood puts the stories together with care and weaves some classic farce in there as well. The whole feeling is meant to be that of a b-movie and it works well in both books.
 
So, exactly what had Mr Woods created here? Well, he has seriously twisted the Sherlock Holmes mythos & I think created some much need humour. Life is a bit grim out there at the moment & just because I spend most of my time hiding behind a locked front door waiting for the zombies to arrive, it doesn’t mean I don’t want some amusement along the way.
 
I therefore thoroughly recommend these twisted and crazy volumes to you all.


19 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=22
Zombie Science 1Z Roadshow 1/27/2011 3:36:14 PM I have recently had a series of meetings with one of the world's foremost zombie science experts. I first met Doctor Austin with the Zombie Institute of Studies some years again at a conference.
 
Well, finally he has decided to offer his research to the wider public. A move I heartily support
 
From what I've seen, there will be a whole series of public lectures & online examinations. It's the most comprehensive zombie eduction roadshow I've ever seen.
 
Visit the Institute's website here www.zombiescience.co.uk and check on those lecture dates.
 
He is going to be adding more dates in the future. Finally I feel that things are starting to turn the corner here in the UK in terms of zombie outbreak preparations.


1 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=21
War against the Walking Dead 1/14/2011 11:17:43 AM Here’s a quick update on my latest work, which will be out in the middle of this year.
 
It’s been another mammoth research task, involving everything from people fixing compressed gas cylinders on the wings of microlites to consulting experts on the real issues of fighting a major war against the zombies.
 
The book is a follow up but it stands on its own two feet. There are some good survival guides out there now and for the first time, I think we have the information we need to survive the opening months of the zombie apocalypse. Personally, I’m not a big fan of the joke guides – this is too serious an issue.
 
The new book is all about the fight-back, the dirty business of building a survivor community & creating a force which can take on the zombies and win. This includes developed Armed Forces, long-term plans, etc but also how to deal with all of the various human survivor groups which will emerge from the ruins….robber barons, generation Z….
 
There are also some updates on the science behind zombies, including some startling new research which I think will change everything. This stuff has become more and more complicated but it is information we need to know.
 
I have consulted far more widely into the zombie communities on this one so it’s going to be a work I hope loads of folks will find interesting.
 
Stay tuned for more details…


494 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=20
WikiLeaks and The Ministry of Zombies 12/6/2010 10:23:39 AM  Things have been very hectic here at the Ministry of Zombies the main cause of this tension has been the WikiLeaks' revelations about our anti-zombie work here and abroad.
 
So, to set the record straight, here are a few issues to be clear on.
 
§ At no point did the Ministry know anything about the walking dead experiments on the Isle of Skye in Scotland. We have never been there and have no relative or Auntie who has ever lived on the island.
 
§ No one from the Ministry referred to Prince Andrew as a ‘privileged buffoon’. We are a fiercely loyal bunch and would never use such a phrase around to describe the royal family.
 
§ Our recent trip to Hawaii was research orientated and not a ‘jolly’. The time spent in the bar was a key part of this research.
 
§ No one involved in the Ministry made crank calls to the producers of US show “Jericho” to rant at the way it was cancelled. We at the Ministry are far too busy to be chasing TV shows.
 
§ We have never described French anti-zombie preparations as “poor and garlic-soaked” this is an insult to all the handwork our Gallic cousins have put in.
 
§ Finally, at no time has anyone at the ministry described the TV series The Walking Dead as “..the best thing in the world ever dude, really, like ever in the whole galaxy mate.” Although, we admit it is may well be.

So, hopefully, this will answer the latest leaks. If any more come out, we’ll pick them up and respond to them. Also, if Candy is still out there, we need a VAT tax receipt for that show last year
please class it as a business expense.    


310 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=19
Survival Thinking Means Disappearing 10/8/2010 4:24:19 PM

When, not if, but when the zombies arrive you can forget bashing your way to victory in an over-crowded island like the UK
there will be millions of ghouls within days.
 
In my handbook, I have focused on the practical elements of surviving. So, you won’t find so many cute pictures but plenty of information on water, food, fortifications…
 
One of my main points is running silent and surviving the first hectic and dangerous few weeks.
 
I present for your consideration some photos of a location which must remain secret. I just want you to check the pictures and see what I’m talking about. This site is deep under one of our major towns it’s run down sure but it does have ventilation and you could get the power working. You could well pass it each day and never know.
 
We do live in an over-crowded island but there are locations like this all over the UK you just need to look hard. If you had the supplies, you could easily see out the whole opening phase safely locked up in your secret location.
 
All I’m saying is have a look around and plan your moves…where will you disappear to when the zombies arrive?  


4 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=18
Zombie Book Worms 10/6/2010 3:49:22 PM
We all love zombie books. You love em, I love em, we all buy em. But today’s zombie survival sermon is a cautionary tale…
 
There are loads of great zombie book novels out there some good entertainment, some an excellent tutorial in battling the living dead. Others pure works of fiction in every sense of the word, filled with madness such as talking zombies, thinking zombies, super-ghouls…
 
My note of caution is that whilst reading is a worthwhile exercise don’t overlook physical training or practical skills.
 
In one survey at a top five consultancy, zombie enthusiasts were asked where they spent most of their ‘survival budget’. No surprise it was on books. Piles of books.
 
Enough to block the door as the hungry dead try to batter it down?
 
Of course, knowledge is power but you also need to get your home prepared. Get fit. Get your food stocked up.
Once the living dead arrive, you will need knowledge and these skills to survive don’t just be a book worm….worms almost always get squashed.


375 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=16
Zombie Clown 8/31/2010 9:16:27 PM
 
Coulrophobia is an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. Why do I mention this in a blog about zombies, well, honestly there are two reasons.
Firstly, I have this fantastic zombie clown that must be seen. But secondly, to remind brave zombie survivalists that the living dead can and do come in all shapes and sizes - many as frightening as they are deadly.
For example, most movies steer clear of particularly sensitive areas such as the infamous 'kiddie ghoul' - that is a munchkin, typically under 10, who has been tragically turned into a zombie - and guess where they will bite you first at that height....nasty...
It's not just kiddie ghouls - there's baby ghouls, geriatric ghouls - huge ghouls bloated by a build of gastric acid in their undead stomach - known in the industry as 'bloaters'.
The latest research I have here at the Ministry is that there are stages in Zombification - that is changes in the 'dead body' after it has become zombic. Broadly, this includes the complex chemical changes in the body, around gastric acid, blood etc etc. Dr Ahmed will be releasing this information as soon as it is prepared. So, nothing supernatural about bloaters - in fact, nothing supernatural about any of the unsavoury ghoul-types mentioned above - none are immune to that lethal bite.
It's a message I've spread before - during a zombie apocalypse, you are going to encounter some horrific sights. How can you prepare for this? Some will argue that a trip to Primark along Oxford Street on a busy Saturday is the best preparation and it is true that there are some sights to behold there - particularly with the expansive nature of lycra-leggings these days.

So, what words of wisdom can I offer?
Well, I can pimp my book to help you prepare - The Official Zombie Handbook UK - it's our collected wisdom to date.
 
But the real truth is, you just need to do something - stock up on your supplies, check your water, strengthen your fence, use your horror books to throw at the zombies....
 
And, how can you prepare for zombie clowns? - try watching Stephen King's mini-series IT on DVD - that should scare the sh*& out of you...pre-warned is pre-armed as they say...
 
Artwork by www.idrawzombies.com
 
 
 


7 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=14
How do you know if it's a Zombie? 8/11/2010 4:27:52 PM   Stupid question right? Or cutting right to the chase.
 
A couple of people have emailled me asking how they should determine whether someone is still human or a hopeless member of the living dead.
 
Well, the signs are not always obvious. For one, there is no documented case of a zombie ever speaking but then some people are unable to speak. Secondly, ghouls lumber around, lop-sided & unbalanced - hell, so do most of the people in central London on a busy Friday night. Finally, they have an apetite for human flesh - we all know this but you can't wait until they take a chunk to confirm that are indeed zombies.
 
Plenty of people will be 'trigger happy' when the ghouls come to town, be they swinging with an axe, busting with a crowbar or poking with pitchfork - a lot of innocent people are going to get hurt.
 
You must have clear protocols when dealing with the living dead - no matter what are you looking at. A clear verbal warning is a first step. Hand signals another. In you are in doubt & before they get too close, you may just need to take a swing. Run if can, but be prepared to fight if you can't.
 
There are many definitions of a zombie - my advice is to be cautious of those referencing just the look - sure some will be crusty & half-decomposed but others will be freezer-fresh - don't judge a book by its cover..

Artwork by www.idrawzombies.com


3 comments
]]>
http://ministryofzombies.com/page4.php?post=13